The ObservatoryThe conflict ladder
An argument in five steps, from the harsh opening to the repair the next day
How it works
- The first stepsWriteChoose
- Stepping off and mendingChoose
An argument rarely escalates in a single step. It happens gradually, and on every rung there is a choice, even if it does not feel that way in the moment.
Exercise in 2 steps, about 13 minutes. Doing it is part of Premium, which you try free for 7 days with no card. With Premium your answers are saved so you can pick up where you left off and look back at what you wrote.
Try PremiumThe rest of the text and the exercise are part of Premium. You try everything for 7 days with no card, and can cancel whenever you like. Sign in if you already have an account.
Why does it work?
Builds on John Gottman's many years of research on couples in conflict. The concepts "harsh startup", the four horsemen (criticism, defensiveness, contempt, stonewalling) and the importance of repair attempts are among the most cited in couples research.
Account, your first assessment with the hexagon and one new measurement every quarter are free. The rest is part of Premium: SEK 99 a month or SEK 699 a year, VAT included.
Read more
Ground rules for arguing
Couples and friends who stay together argue too — but by rules. Set yours before the next round.
Exercise10 minMeeting someone else's anger
When someone is boiling over, neither logic nor counterattack helps. What helps is less exciting, and it works.
Exercise10 minRepair after an argument
An argument that keeps nagging at you: take your part and make a small attempt at repair.