The ObservatoryThe colleague who grates on you
A concrete boundary against what grates on you daily, without it turning into a war
How it works
- What gratesWrite
- The boundary, not the warWriteChoose
- If that is not enoughRank
It is rarely the whole person who is the problem. It is usually a few recurring behaviors: a tone, a habit, a way of taking up space. We start by pinpointing exactly what it is, not passing a verdict on the whole colleag …
Exercise in 3 steps, about 12 minutes. Doing it is part of Premium, which you try free for 7 days with no card. With Premium your answers are saved so you can pick up where you left off and look back at what you wrote.
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Why does it work?
Stating a boundary as a concrete, factual need rather than an accusation reduces the risk of defensive reactions. Partly builds on Gottman's research on how conversations derail already at a harsh opening ("harsh start-up").
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Active listening
Practice simply listening, with no advice and no stories of your own, and let the silence be. It strengthens the feeling of being understood.
Exercise9 minCompassion for a difficult person
A gentle exercise for loosening your own grip on irritation toward someone who gets under your skin, not for their sake, but for yours.
Exercise10 minMeeting someone else's anger
When someone is boiling over, neither logic nor counterattack helps. What helps is less exciting, and it works.