The ObservatoryWhen someone has been unfaithful
What happens inside you when you find out, why nothing has to be decided today, and what research says about couples who try to move on.
Finding out that the person you live with has been unfaithful is, for many, one of the hardest things that can happen in a relationship. It is not an exaggeration that it feels like a shock. Researchers who work with couples after infidelity describe the reaction as trauma-like. Thoughts circle, sleep breaks down and images appear without being asked for.
The first weeks often swing back and forth. Anger, despair, relief at finally knowing, longing for closeness and disgust can come one after the other. It does not mean that something is wrong with you. It is how it usually goes when the ground you stood on has shifted.
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Why does it work?
Atkins, Eldridge, Baucom & Christensen (2005), Infidelity and behavioral couple therapy: optimism in the face of betrayal, Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology 73(1), 144–150: 19 infidelity couples from a randomised trial of couple therapy (134 couples). They began more distressed than other couples, and those who had disclosed the affair before or during therapy improved more in satisfaction than couples without infidelity. The study is small and exploratory. The description of the reaction as trauma-like comes from Gordon, Baucom & Snyder (2004), Journal of Marital and Family Therapy 30(2), 213–231, and is a clinical model, not a diagnosis.
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