The ObservatoryWhat forgiveness is, and isn't
The word is so loaded that many people hold back from something that would help them. A sorting.
Few words provoke as much resistance as forgiveness. Should they just get away with it? Was it suddenly okay? The resistance is reasonable, but it is directed at the wrong definition. The research that has studied forgiveness uses a different one, and that changes most things.
Start with what forgiveness is NOT. It is not excusing: what happened was wrong, and it remains wrong. Forgiveness changes the verdict on the act by exactly zero. It is not reconciliation: you can forgive someone you will never see again, and you can spend time with someone you have not forgiven. It is not forgetting: the memory may remain. It is the charge in the memory that changes. And it requires nothing of the other person: no apology, no remorse, not even awareness.
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Why does it work?
The definition (letting go of resentment without excusing, reconciling or forgetting) and the division into decisional and emotional forgiveness follow forgiveness research (Worthington; Enright). RCT support shows that forgiveness interventions reduce anxiety and depression in the person who forgives: meta-analysis Wade et al. 2014, updated Ho et al. 2024. The link between resentment and stress physiology is documented (Witvliet 2001).
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